I can’t think of a good way to start this. I don’t really know how to introduce the thoughts in my head. I’ve had a deep emptiness inside of me for a while. 4 years 3 months and 12 days, to be exact. My mother died on June 14, 2008 and I have felt a void inside of me ever since. Some days and months have been easier to deal with than others, and some of those days were the hardest to get through. But nothing quite compares to what I have been dealing with these past couple of weeks.
It has been painfully obvious how much I need my mother in my current stage of life. I don’t know what’s brought on this revelation, but it’s here and I don’t see it going away anytime soon. I’ve been left with so many thoughts and unanswered questions regarding myself, my mother, life experiences, and everything. Sure, I can ask other people about life, I can ask other people about myself, and I might even be able to ask other people about my mother, but my mom’s opinions are the only ones I want, and they are the only ones that will make sense to me. I really believe it when I hear that the bond between a mother and her daughter is unlike any other. My mom was the only person who REALLY knew me. She knew what made me sad or happy. She knew why I did the things I did without me even having to explain. She studied, for 17 years, how I lived, and because of that, she also knew how to speak and act in a way that I would understand. Since she has been gone, I haven’t had that connection, and it’s obvious in the way that the sky is blue, and the ocean is salty. How am I supposed to know how to live when the woman who gave me life is dead?
I don’t really want anyone to try and console me. I’m not looking for any sympathy. I actually would prefer that this be a private thought, but I had to get it out because it’s really too much to keep to myself. I chose to blog about it because I can’t think of a single person I would be comfortable sharing this with, so I am sharing it with everyone. I don’t know how that even makes sense, but it does. I don’t want pity or whatever. I am not weak. I am just sharing the thoughts inside my head.
this is why I originally made a tumblr. I need to get back to here.