6 of ♦s

i’ve been going through a lot of shit lately. correction, my life has been one of “going through a lot of shit” since i was like, 5. drugs and liquor stopped working 3 years ago, so now it’s all “feelings” and it’s fucking bullshit. i’m pissed. i’m tired. i’m sad. and it hurts to think about “happy”. not what “happy” is, or what it could be, i guess, but the moments, the incredibly brief and never-in-your-life-will-they-be-long-enough-or-enough-at-all moments, where you smile, and feel at ease, even for just 3.6 seconds. for all the time that i’ve spent worrying about myself, about what i’m doing, what i’m doing to others, what this “means”, (what the fuck does any of anything fucking ever mean? you’re probably wrong), what i would rather be doing, what i should be doing, what other people are doing… all this stress, all this worry, all this time. for all this time, there have been things i wanted. simple things i wanted. simple things that eventually stress me out because i still want them. 

well, i want to want less. so, i’m going to do these things. these things that i’ve written on notecards, post its, index cards, cocktail napkins, notebook pages of various notebooks, and even on the top of my hand. these are things that never in a million years would stress, or at least should stress people out. they are simple. i just want to have fun. because why shouldn’t i?

1. go shoot guns. i have a beautiful .357 and it’s been over a year since i made love to it with my hands (i guess we got this covered though)
2. go ice skating. i will fall. i will fall so much. but i have this black tardo fairy skirt that is 5,000-sequins short of being an ice skating skirt. meaning, it has no sequins (i think this goes with #1, too?)
3. go to the beach and watch the sunrise (even though i’ve done this a hundred before, i’ve never done it sober, but i do remember it was far better than any sunset i’ve ever seen, sober or not)
4. go to Disneyland and act like a child and get your face painted
5. go to a classical concert at the Hollywood Bowl (went last summer, cried/died)
6. watch alllllll the movies (i’ve never seen Star Wars. or Indiana Jones. or Jaws or like, anything really. for some reason i feel like Jaws is really important for me to see)
7. go bowling. correction go drunk bowling. (go on, judge. i see you)
8. go paintball shooting. i’ve done this once. it was awesome and i rocked. until i climbed a tree and i was the last person on my team, and the others found me and i couldn’t get down. 
9. take dance classes. i just wanna fucking paso doble. in very sheer, flowy pieces of sparkly fabric.
10. GO SURFING. I DON’T CARE HOW COLD THIS WEATHER IS. WETSUITS YOU FUCKING PUSSIES. i don’t even have one, but it’s fine. i’ll slice a surfboard with my nips, i don’t give a fuck. 
11. get wasted with my friends on a sectional made of white pleather and maybe do a power hour because i love you and you and the other two of you i can’t link to.
12. GET MY BIKE FIXED SO I CAN RIDE IT. (jim? can you help me?)
13. i’m gonna get shitfammered with this chick right here, like… i don’t even need to write this down, but i’m pretty happy about it. i’m gonna teach her how to twerk. WE WILL TWERK MS FRIAR. WE WILL FUCKING TWERK.
14. take 9,000 bubble baths while drankin’ various types of red wine in the jet tub that i am not taking nearly as much advantage of as i should. that sounds like incorrect grammar, but HO WELL**
15. i’m going to go to someone’s woodshop (a particular someone, i just don’t wanna come up in their google results in case, i dunno, i’m just trying to be like, discreet even though i posted about it very recently, i think)… and i’m going to check it out. and i may or may not fill out a job application, because honestly, woodwork is one of the most satisfying crafts things i’ve ever done and i’m hot as shit because of it (i realize shit isn’t that hot, but bear with me). somehow it’s a full body workout, and if you do it in the sun wearing nothing but some thong underwear and maybe a bikini top, you will glow. and by glow i mean, be really sexy and tan. i’m not tan, though, because it’s january. that shit stopped mid-september. but my biceps. i could knock a sharks teeth out. all 385679 of them.
16. number 15 really went someplace else, huh?

**denotes private event

****UPDATE UPDATE****

after all of these things, we’re gonna have dinner at Chili’s.